Tuesday, 14 October 2008

• Currently Listening Jump Around By House of Pain see related

  Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you okay with that or would you rather be the other?

  I am, without a doubt in my mind, an introvert. I am constantly thinking about things, but never really expressing them. In groups of people I don't know well, I am very quiet. I'm a shy person. I often think that I have nothing important to say, that people will judge me over every word I say, and that if I open my mouth everything is going to go to ruin. I am in constant fear of being rejected by people that I don't even know. It's horrible. Because of this I always have a hard time making friends and staying in a relationship with people because I don't really know how to open up. It's a very hard thing for me. I don't like to get hurt and that's all that I really focus on. 

  Forget that if I open up to people that I could enjoy a relationship with them where we both share experiences and find something beautiful in ourselves and that it would lead to happiness. Forget it. I'm too scared to throw out my opinions when someone else is staring me in the face. Looking back on life, I realize that this has also made me a pretty adept liar. When I found somebody that I liked to be around and hang out with, I'd often feel insufficient, so I would make up stories of grandeur or really anything so that I could be interesting like them or gain their friendship.

  To answer the second question, I would much rather be an extrovert. I would love to feel completely fine with opening up to people and talk to them, because it's something that I am missing in my life right now. I don't talk to people and that really scares me. To me it leads up to this ultimate disaster of dying alone, because I was always too afraid to take the chance of being real with someone. I don't have too many friends around me right now, which is to be expected I guess after a move, but it makes life that much scarier for me. I'm surrounded by all of these new faces and in my mind they are all looking down on me. So really, I'm not sure if I'm an introvert or if I'm just a coward. I guess I just need to grow a pair or carry whiskey with me at all times. I sure do open up after drinking some whiskey. I should probably stick to the growing a pair though.

  
  
     

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